Barry-Lee Coyne. Photographed Friday, March 14, 2008. THOMAS PATTERSON | Statesman Journal /
THOMAS PATTERSON | Statesman Journal
Written by
B. Lee Coyne
Article from statesmanjournal.com
5:18 PM, Mar. 28, 2012
Whenever one learns of a suicide of a friend or other, it sends out a ripple wave. One of my cherished friends recently reported such an event.
Many of us believe that death is determined by a Higher Power. Thus it may seem like heresy to contradict that entity above and take your fate literally into your own hands. Yet it does happen more often than we care to admit — that’s reality.
Suicide begins inside. It takes place through our discussions within our very beings. All of us have walls around us for protection to keep out others, and we largely decide for ourselves whom to screen out and whom to allow in. The chief reasons we may screen out others are pride and shame, two faces of the same coin. When we “lose face,” then in effect we lose ourselves.
All of us have an ideal established by years of experience. It constitutes our goals in life. Inevitably we never quite reach our full potential. That larger question becomes: How does this impact us? Do we interpret events that deny us being a total success as ones of being an “abject failure”?
Coping skills are shaped by our childhood and the pervasive influence of those who raised us. It is not only the interplay with parents but also the impact of siblings, cousins and aunts and uncles. How we fared among our peers plays a dominant role. Do we have the courage to define ourselves or do we abdicate that to a public opinion poll? The latter incurs peril.
Connectedness isn’t everything, but it is crucial in any society. Thus, when we feel a disconnect, we react. We are responding to writer John Donne’s warning: “No man is an island unto himself.”
Isolation can readily mean depression. Social rejection deepens the pain felt within. Some of us may have the inner determination not to yield and fall prey to the opinion of others, but others lack that drive. Disappointing oneself can be a speed bump or an avalanche. It is a matter of capacity to withstand the forces of adversity. Life’s cumulative experiences either can strengthen us or weaken us for such tender moments of reckoning.
Suicide is not simply a choice. It involves taking a stand when the world seems fearfully overwhelming. Coping skills are finite, something we are loath to admit. Whether that suicide comes from a returning soldier or a forlorn adolescent, that person’s interpretation of their future has turned to bleak. The life others savor has faded for them.
Their pain may well be more profound than we know. Let all of this be a cautionary tale for the rest of us not to get caught up in giving ourselves the dangerous daily report card of success vs. failure in this excessively competitive world. Finding that light in times of darkness is literally a matter of life or death.
B. Lee Coyne of Salem is a retired writer/
therapist. Email luckycoyne@yahoo.com.
Article from statesmanjournal.com